Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to
speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone
now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your
touch-tone phone now. If you have a wrong number,
push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this
button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a
good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel
like we have a big time phone system.

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to
leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you
want to leave your name and number, please press
pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6
and dial your number. If you want to leave your
name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask
for extension 4443, then leave your name and
message. If you want to leave your number and the
time you called, please press star twice, spin in
a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now.
Please leave your name and number after the tone.
If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt,
please leave your message BEFORE the tone.

This is not an answering machine -- this is a
telepathic thought-recording device. After the
tone, think about your name, your reason for
calling, and a number where I can reach you, and
I'll think about returning your call.

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG...
Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at
sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone
number, and short description of secrets you wish
to sell.

You have reached the Strategic Air Command
Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable
to come to the phone right now. At the tone,
please leave your name, number, and target or
list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we
can. And have a nice day.

(Annoying flute music in background:) Good day,
Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right
now. Your mission, should you choose to accept
it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief
message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct
in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

Hello, epicentre of the Universe, God speaking.
If you leave your name, number, and prayer after
the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can.
Please note that I answer all prayers, but
sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child,
and have a nice day.