Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense
Detective Agency. We know who you are and what
you want, so at the sound of the tone, please
hang up.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to
the phone right now, so after the tone, please
leave your name and number, then talk briefly
about your childhood and tell me what comes to
mind when you hear the following words: orange...
mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you
with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

Welcome to the Afterlife Voice Mail System. If
you are trying to reach Heaven, please press 1.
For Valhalla, press 2. For Hades, press 3. If you
are trying to reach Nirvana, you're going about
it all wrong, so *we* certainly can't help you.
If you'd just like to leave a message for Sean,
wait for the beep.

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the
middle of a family fight right now. Leave your
name and number at the beep and whoever wins will
call you right back.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now,
but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll
get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't
pick up the phone right now, because we're doing
something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it
up and down, and I like doing it left to right...
real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're
done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

(Sexy, slow female voice:) oooOOOO, Greg's in...
OOOOooo, Greg's out... ooooOOOOO, Greg's in...
OOOoooo, Greg's out... ooooOOOOO, Greg's in...
Humph, Greg's busy, you had better call back
later...

I can't come to the phone now because I have
amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I
don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could
help me out by leaving my name and telling me
something about myself. Thanks.

Hi. This is John. If you are the Phone Company, I
already sent the money. If you are my parents,
please send money. If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If
you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are
a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.